My wife and I just
became parents; Britt labored for 38 hours before they opted to perform a
cesarean section. I was able to watch most of the surgery; it was pretty
disgusting but also incredibly amazing. They made an incision, cut the muscles
and then started stretching the incision apart. I looked away for just a moment
and by the time I looked back I saw the doctors pulling out our son’s head, and
then they (not so carefully) pulled the rest of our son out of Britt. As
they dabbed him with a towel he peed on the doctors. I was so proud!
The moment I looked
at him I started crying, I was so overwhelmed! That’s my son! Before the
surgery I was just concerned about Britt rather than anticipating the
excitement of the moment. I can’t explain the instant connection I had with
him. It was love at first sight. But up until the delivery I wasn’t
necessarily feeling anything at all.
Britt and I were not
planning on having children until we had been married five years. I was not
prepared to find out my wife was pregnant two weeks after we returned from our
honeymoon. Financially we planned on paying off our debt in three years then
move to New York City to continue working with urban youth. God saw fit to
shatter our plans, but not without protest.
There were many
nights the first few months of the pregnancy where I was praying to Jesus,
asking him why he would do this to us. In my head I would say, ‘God we don’t
have enough money to do this. We can hardly pay down our debt and still pay our
other bills. I don’t know how we are going to do this.’ But it was in those
moments late at night where I felt God reassure me, as if to say, ‘when have
you ever gone through a problem that I did not help you through? I provided
then, I will provide now.’ He brought to mind the name that Abraham first used
in Genesis 22:14 [Jehovah Jireh] – ‘The Lord will Provide.’
From that point
forward I did not question how we would do this. I decided in my spirit that no
matter what happens, no matter how hard or how crazy it gets, I need not worry
because God will provide for our needs. Especially when we seek first ‘His
kingdom and His righteousness’ (Matthew 6:33). But it is easier said than done.
If you know my wife,
you know she struggles with borderline OCD. She has a type A personality, where
I am more of a laid back type. I knew that if I was worried about finances and
being prepared for a baby, she must have been struggling even more than I was.
A conversation at a coffee shop about our living situation confirmed my
suspicion. We both wanted to be on top of things, to go to the next plan, to be in control.
We all have control
issues. One of the symptoms of our need for control is planning. Not that
planning in it’s self is bad, but what is bad is the fact that we put so much
hope in our plans. When we found out we were pregnant our plan changed, and for
us we felt stuck. So naturally we started to make different plans. All of our
new plans involved getting a bigger place for our family. We even started to
look into buying cheap houses, or renting 2 or 3 bedroom apartments. But the
reality was we couldn’t afford to lose the security deposit and pay to break
the lease. And as I informed Britt of this at the coffee shop we both felt
helpless. We couldn’t make more plans yet, and Britt cried.
As we sat there
together in emotional turmoil, I asked if we could pray together. Britt and I
prayed for us to give up control of our lives to God, to realize that He is our
provider and will help us get through this. We also thanked Jesus that we had a
warm place to sleep, and asked Him to help out those who were cold.
We went from being
bewildered to being thankful.
God changed our
perspective, and gave us hope. We will still plan but we know that the heart of
man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps (Proverbs 16:9).
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