True Intimacy

I recently read Donald Miller’s new book, Scary Close: dropping the act and finding true intimacy. In his book, Miller is very honest about his journey to true intimacy. The reason he wrote it is because he found that his life experience is similar to other peoples experiences as well. He noted that intimacy is hard, especially for men. Our popular culture has been showering us with perverted versions of intimacy for many years. But the question is: what is true intimacy?

http://scaryclose.com/

Intimacy is a difficult topic for men to talk about because we want to be seen as strong. And the truth is we don’t know a lot about intimacy. That’s why I really appreciated Scary Close. Miller admitted he was very weak in that area. His transparency allowed me to face my own problems with intimacy.

I knew that something was not right with me but I couldn’t figure out what it was. I thought I was pretty good at playing the 'feelings game' but something else was holding me back. Holding me back from accepting myself and being able to give myself to people without worrying about what they thought of me.

Throughout this book I was able to see that shame is a huge barrier to intimacy. For example, the first time I ever felt shame was when I was a child. I was doing something that my friends were doing, but if my parents found out they would have been upset. I felt shameful because I had to hide it from my parents for so long. Not to mention that I knew it was wrong because I had gone to church my whole life, but I wanted to have fun with my friends. I knew God loved me and I knew my parents loved me, but as a kid I didn’t understand what was happening.

That shame experience is what made me decide that I needed to be an actor. I thought I needed to put on a show to get others to like me and accept me. So I started to become an actor in all of my relationships; I became almost a completely different person depending on who I was around. I knew all the right answers to fit in with the church people, I worked out hard and swore enough to fit in with the athletes, I also sang and listened to enough depressing music to fit in with the music crowd.

I never knew that I had been acting out of unacknowledged shame for all these years.

My whole life I was driven by the fear to let go of my shame. I felt I didn't deserve to let go, and I didn't think anyone could love me if they knew who I really was. Shame ruined relationships because I didn't know how to let people in without trying to perform for their acceptance. And I suspect Donald Miller and I are not the only ones.

Shame drove me away from being transparently honest. Consequently my view of intimacy was flawed.

Shame breeds fear. And the truth is most people live life afraid, including myself.

Scary Close helped me see that fear and love don't cultivate intimacy.

Only recently have I begun to realize that the Bible has a lot to say about what intimacy looks like. The Apostle John had experienced true intimacy with God. He details his experience in 1st John, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." (1 John 4:18 ESV)

That passage is so freeing. God never wanted us to operate out of shame and fear, but out of love. I kept myself captive for so long thinking punishment was my only option. However God had another plan; He sent Jesus to die for us because of His great love. He wanted me to open myself up to His love so that I could experience true intimacy with Him and with others.

God is love. God is perfect. Gods perfect love covers our shame and frees us to live a free life for His glory.